


Never eat more than you can lift

by AraSigyrn



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Alien Invasion, Community: kradamadness, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-12
Updated: 2011-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-14 17:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AraSigyrn/pseuds/AraSigyrn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'<i>Food is our common ground, a universal experience.</i>'   ~ James Beard</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never eat more than you can lift

Kris has never really had a _plan_ for his life. He's had a lot of dreams about what he wants to do with his life, starting with astronaut at age two and winding up twenty two years later with the vague wish that he could find a career that would let him make music and cakes. It turns out to be surprisingly difficult and since moving to LA, Kris has let the baking part of the dream slide.

Baking back home was always a communal practice, Kris grew up mixing batter and licking the spoon when his momma cooked. He knows it's not exactly the most masculine of hobbies but his momma has always wanted to be sure that her grandma's grandma's recipes got passed on. Besides, as Kris justifies it when it comes up, Daniel embraces his female side through cheer-leading and Kris' baking means a cake or cookies at the end so Kris totally wins.

Kris' glorified cupboard of an apartment is mostly kitchen; his budget only just stretched past a studio and he was working evening shift at one of the bars nearby which was...good. He got to play every Monday to Thursday and there were a lot of interesting customers and it was nice. Kris played three nights a week, tended bar around before and after and on Sunday night. He bakes to keep himself sane and because he can't afford to fly back home except at Christmas so making his mom's Belgian waffles with honey and chocolate syrup helps when he's feeling homesick. He bakes a lot, puttering around his kitchen and bringing the boxes of cakes to work or the homeless shelter he volunteers at when he can. There's something

It wasn't an exceptional life. Kris didn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend and most of his friends were the guys and girls he worked with a few regulars at the bar and maybe he sometimes wishes for something more. It's just a typical, normal life, nothing that was going to set the world alight but Kris was more or less happy.

Then on Thursday night, when Kris is walking back from work with plans for a triple-tier chocolate cream and sponge cake, he Maces an alien. In the face.

His life gets considerably less boring after that.

####

"I'm really sorry, you know that, right?"

Adam growls into the pillow (cushion? Humans have so many _names_ for everything) and doesn't look up. His hair is ruined, his mascara turns out not to have been waterproof (or at least not proof against the compound chemicals Adam's eyes and second set of eye membranes excrete) and where in this backward, primitive barbarian-town of a galaxy is Adam going to replace his boots? Draken-skin doesn't just grow on trees and Haley-works doesn't have boutique for light-years. The long commute is part of why Adam is here to expedite the conquering. There are other reasons too, of course, important reasons but that's Adam's personal #1. Adam has far more weighty matters to consider than appeasing some primitive earthling's feelings of guilt.

"In my defence," the human is still talking and if Adam could see him, he would totally bite him. "You kinda came out of nowhere, you're lucky I didn't have a gun."

Crude simple alloy projectiles, Adam sniffs to himself, which he totally could have handled. His personal suit is designed to circumvent any attempted attack, ranged or melee. The aerosol spray was ...an unexpected complication and Adam blinks all four sets of eyelids again. His eyes are burning and Adam's tear glands have started to leech moisture from his brain to compensate. He's starting to think that Earth might not be worth the trouble.

"But, um, I have cake," the human - Kris, he calls himself according to Adam's if-bar - sounds genuinely remorseful and Adam is known for his magnanimous nature. He also hasn't eaten for eighty three cycles and as much as he likes his figure to be trim, Adam is starving. The human is mostly back into focus and he's holding a plate. Lifting his head, Adam looks at the foodstuff being offered and begins to salivate. Adam is far too refined to _drool_ over chocolate.

Adam has seen chocolate before. The invasion was originally going to be in Birmingham, UK, after all but he's always seen it in bars and blocks, little brown pieces wrapped up in plastic and foil. He's never seen anything remarkable about it but he's never realised that chocolate could be almost black, shading to a warm earthy brown, sweet and rich.

It looks to be delicious, the smell making Adam's stomach snarl. He accepts the foodstuff and samples it warily. The taste is...indescribable; rich and sweet and Adam groans. The outer layers are soft, breaking easily apart under his teeth and there is something firmer, crumbling and Adam thinks hazily that of all one thousand, eight hundred and ninety four languages he knows, there are no words for the taste of dark/white chocolate swirl cheesecake. It crumbles, almost melts on his tongue. There is a tang of bitter-sweet - strawberry Adam thinks - and the chocolate is sweeter, more intense for the contrast.

"Do you like it? I haven't had a chance to get any baking done today; it's chocolate with summer berries and I-"

Adam stops listening to the words, focusing on the blend of flavours, the rich texture and the crumbling biscuit. This, this is worth conquering galaxy-clusters for! He opens his eyes and the human is looking at him with wide eyes and a hopeful smile.

Oh yes, Adam thinks as he licks his fingers, there is such a conquest to be made here.

As a member of the _iba-solum_ , Adam is used to the finest food the Empire can supply. Normally, this means nutriutional concentrates which are generally served as glop. Grey _lumpy_ glop which Adam is never ever eating again. There is nothing in the countless galaxies under the Empire's control to compare to the taste of fresh cake.

"I'm going to keep you," Adam announces, licking the soft sauce off his fingers. Kris makes an adorable hiccuping sputter of disbelief and Adam arches an eyebrow.

"I'm- You can't just-!" Kris sputters. "You don't even know my _name_!"

"You're Kris," Adam says, licking his lips and eying Kris' slice of cake. "And I'm Adam. You should technically be calling me Master or my Lord but I'll make an exception for you, given your...skills."

Kris sputters some more which gives Adam ample opportunity to steal his slice of cake. He's half afraid that it won't taste as wonderful now that he knows what to expect but it tastes even _better_. Adam groans shameless and Kris' apoplectic sputtering cuts off. Adam looks up at him through his lashes and Kris is pink, respiration elevated and hello, pheromones! Humans are such remarkably _useful_ entities. Adam's going to _have_ to conquer the planet if they have more humans like Kris.

"I could conquer your planet first," Adam offers reluctantly. It wouldn't take too long and he could keep Kris safely secured in his ship until it was over. "If you need me to?"

"What? No! No, no, no," Kris buries his face in his hands. "You are not conquering Earth. We don't like being conquered."

Adam licks the last of the chocolate off his (formerly Kris') plate and looks questioningly at Kris. "How do you know?"

"I-" Kris sighs. "If I make you another cake, will you stop threatening to take over my planet?"

"You can make a cake?" Adam sucks the last crumbs off his lower lip and starts wondering if he brought enough legions. "Does it take long?"

"An hour, if you want just the basic cake," Kris seems to be thinking. "Cheesecake takes a couple of hours to set but I can make a regular cake with chocolate sauce inside?"

Adam definitely needs more legions. Lots and lots more legions and he's going to have to conquer Earth way ahead of schedule before word of Kris' skills gets out. "Prove it."

Kris vanishes into the kitchen, muttering under his breath about 'insane aliens' and 'crazy stories' and Adam watches his ass as he goes and smiles regretfully. Later, he promises himself as he fishes out his com to contact Brad and the rest of the fleet. Planetary conquest first, conquest of Consort after, or as the humans say 'business before pleasure'.

####

Kris is just pouring the batter into the pan when his phone goes. He has probably made too much batter which means he needs to clear some space in his fridge and, Kris looks to where the sparkly _hot_ crazy dude is sprawled out across his couch, he's going to start by emptying out that six pack. He manages not to drop the pan and answer the phone which means a few ...interesting seconds of juggling bowl, pan and phone and why did Kris buy a slim, slippery iPhone again? "Hello?"

"Mr Kristopher Allen? This is Agent Jones. I'm calling on behalf of the Bureau of Extra-Terrestrial Affairs..."

A minute later, Kris has to sit down. He may be hyperventilating. "He-He's _really an alien_!?"

"Now, Mr Allen, that's not a polite term to use and I think you'll find that most of our extra-terrestrial guests prefer the term 'long-commuters'. This situation is only going to get better if you approach it with the right attitude."

"Just so I'm clear here," Kris thumps his head back against the press behind him. "By 'this situation', you mean the alien warrior overlord who is currently sitting in my living room demanding cake."

"Mr Allen, I'm sure that you understand my point here; a few home-cooked cakes and a day or two off work that we'll be happy to reimburse you for is a small price to pay to avoid a global conquest."

" _He wants to KEEP me!_ "

There is a pause. "...he said that?"

"Yes!"

"In so many words?"

"YES!"

"....well, Mr Allen, on behalf of the Bureau and your yet-to-be-assigned case worker, I'd like to offer our sincere congratulations on your engagement."

Kris is totally going to make them reimburse him for his iPhone.


End file.
